Blogs Adoption

Finding the right time to adopt

I have always wanted to adopt, but it was only when I was in my 40s and single that I felt the time was right to start the process. By that point, I had done a lot of travelling, established my career and had a home that was big enough to bring up a child. But while the timing felt right, it was not perfect because doing it as a single adopter felt daunting. But there's never a perfect time to do anything, and I knew I could rely on my network of friends and family for support, so I decided to take the leap.

The assessment process

I started the process by attending an information evening and formally submitting my request to be assessed as an adopter. What followed was months of that mixture of trepidation and anticipation you get when you're working towards a major life milestone.

The assessment process has two stages, during which your social worker completes your Prospective Adopter Report (PAR), followed by an Adoption Panel meeting where members of the panel review your PAR and decide whether to approve you as an adopter.

Being assessed is an intense experience that can feel quite intrusive. Placing a child with someone who is essentially a stranger is fraught with high risk, so the assessment process is necessarily extensive and in-depth. Every aspect of your life, including family relationships, finances, work and past relationships, is scrutinised.

During the assessment, you also do a lot of training and research to understand what it means to place a child in care and how to parent an adopted child. Part of your PAR is demonstrating that you truly understand the responsibilities you are taking on and the potential needs your adoptive child will have. It involves a lot of reading, training, and hearing the experiences of people who have adopted or have been adopted.

‘Life is what happens when you are busy making plans’

The saying goes, life is what happens when you are busy making plans, and events you can't control will occur during the assessment process and sometimes can threaten to derail you. For me, it was losing a parent and the pandemic. Suffering a personal loss meant pausing the process to grieve, while the pandemic slowed the process down as we all transitioned to a virtual way of working. But while you can't control outside events, you can carry on preparing for your panel date, by doing the training and research and maybe getting hands-one experience of caring for children.

As my panel date loomed, I was so nervous that I called BT to ask for some backup in case my WIFI went down during the panel meeting! Coming out the other side to finally be approved felt like one of the greatest achievements of my life. And being given a unanimous 'Yes' by the panel was the bonus.

Matching with your child – when you know, you know

After approval, family finding starts, and the journey truly begins. As with any journey, unless you are exceptionally lucky, there are bound to be ups and downs. Family finding can feel disheartening, emotional and never-ending. Seeing the pictures and reading about the children you know you cannot give a home to can get you down. On the other hand, seeing children you immediately feel you want to adopt, only to find out that the child's family finder doesn't think you are a good match, can make you start to lose hope. And this can go on for months and, for some, years.

This is when you'll again need the resilience that got you through the assessment and the panel. You have to believe what's meant for you will find you. You may start your family finding with an idea of the kind of child you want and the level of needs you can cope with but end up matched with a child that is a different age, gender, ethnicity, or level of needs you originally envisioned - and yet the match feels right.

What I have learned:

Having a good relationship with your social worker is everything.

They are your advisor, friend, fountain of knowledge, and cheerleader. I was lucky to have an amazingly supportive social worker who supported me every step of the way.

You will miss your old life.

No matter how adorable your child is or how much you longed to be a parent, chances are there are parts of your life you are taking for granted. It could be meeting friends at short notice or indulging in a hobby. For me, it was not being able to suddenly go for a late evening walk in the summertime.

Even as a single parent, it still takes a village to raise a child.

There is a reason your support network is one of the most important parts of your PAR. Once you have your child, you will appreciate all the support you can get as you both transition and build your attachment, even if it's just a voice at the end of the phone to remind you that you've got this!

If you don't have a wide circle of friends, there are many opportunities to meet other adopters and support each other. I now have good friends that I met during the process. Parenthood also opens up a whole new community of people. Depending on the child's age, mummy and baby groups, play dates and school WhatsApp groups all bring with them the possibility of new and lasting friendships.

Every adoptive parent I've spoken to has had the moment of realising the enormity of what they have taken on, and being a parent still feels scary. Now, almost a year in, life is much more hectic, and every day is a balancing act to show up as best I can for my daughter while doing the things I need to do to provide for us, but despite the challenges, life is far richer with her in it.