Blogs Adoption

The adoption process has two stages. During the first stage, assessment, there was a lot of writing. We were asked to go through everything - from birth till now, about not only your childhoods but then into years as a couple and how you decided to adopt and your close family and stuff like that.

The assessment process became our weekends. It became part of our routine to go to our local coffee shop. You can't just sit down and do it quickly because you have a deadline. You have to work at it.

For some parts of the process, we reflected on ourselves as individuals. Other times, we were writing about ourselves as a couple, requiring a joint voice. It was nice to see we were giving the same answers to questions. It reaffirmed our relationship.

This part of the process felt long and was like writing a diary. We have since realised it's nice to have this document to reflect on - you never put things down in writing nowadays.

Once we were approved to adopt, it gave us the confidence to move forward and grow our family. This second phase was less formal, with more discussion and regular meetings. We had to be patient but driven to keep looking online and checking in with our social worker. We also had to become comfortable with uncertainty—the training helped with this.

Viewing children's profiles was challenging. Our social worker was really helpful and told us to go with our gut feeling. Above all, be open and honest with yourself and your partner. If you want to find out more about a child and are asking questions, then it’s the right thing to do. If it doesn’t feel right, speak up.

When we looked at our son’s profile for the first time, we said “Yeah, we'd love to find out more”. The more we discovered, the more we imagined him living with us. It was challenging not to overinvest emotionally because at any point either we as a couple, or the social work team, could decide not to proceed.

We had to take this part of the adoption process one step at a time, it’s multi-stage. Gradually, we were fed more information and would speak with our social worker about how this child would fit into our home and our life. The most emotional point was when we found out we could adopt him – it was the only time Tom cried during the whole process.

• Build a strong support network

Whether you're adopting on your own or as a couple, having a few people that you can talk to about the process, not necessarily in detail or about specifics, but just to talk to in general about how you're feeling, is important.

• Be honest in your relationship

As a couple, you've got to be kind and very honest with each other. When you bring a child into your life, you've got to show a united front and you’ve got to be on the same page. Accept uncertainty and be brutally honest with each other. We were lucky; nine times out of ten we agreed on everything. But there were moments when it wasn’t easy.

• Ask lots of questions

During the Adoption Prep training, put your hand up when they say, “Any other questions”? That training is a great opportunity to ask those questions and iron out that information. It’s really important if you do have questions and you need clarity to ask, right there and then. There's no right or wrong question.

There is lots of useful information at these sessions and an opportunity to ask questions. You can talk about your situation and get practical advice. For example, we were buying a house and the adoption team said buy your house, settle in, give it six months and come back – we’ll be here for you. They might also suggest that you volunteer somewhere and get a little bit of childcare experience. That sort of advice is really useful.