Domestic abuse and violence against women and girls strategy 2024 to 2027

I am one of these women. ‘Who is going to love me now” was my first thought when I left my first abusive relationship, ‘I hope he is ok’ was the second.

From the age of 16 to 26 I had been with this person who although he had his ‘demons’, loved me unconditionally. Sure, it hadn’t been plain sailing, multiple breakups, euphoric highs and debilitating lows, but that was just how it was supposed to be, wasn’t it? “Soul mates”, “true love”, “loyalty” and “forever” are the foundations of our culture's understanding of love, it is this we are taught to aspire to. These cornerstones could better be described as ‘possessive’, ‘obsessive’, ‘oppressive’ and ‘controlling’, and ultimately soul crushing for those of us unfortunate enough to have experienced it.

It is said that ‘if you are waiting for physical violence, you have missed 98% of the coercion and control’ in an abusive relationship. A public assault is what it took for me to leave. Had the event happened behind closed doors I would never have left; I can promise you that.

Following the assault I was taken to a friend’s hotel room for safety, it was here that I first glimpsed the mask slipping of my abuser. He had convinced everyone, including myself, that his difficult childhood had given him an anger problem, which coupled with alcohol and substance misuse, often resulted in uncontrollable aggressive outbursts. As I sat alone in shock, there was a knock on the door, it was normal, measured, controlled. I tiptoed over to open the door, something in me told me to look through the peephole before opening. I froze, my hand covered my mouth in the hope of masking any sound of me breathing. There he was, silent and calculated, a stranger.

After the ordeal and subsequent aftermath, the lack of support afforded to me at that time in forms of education, justice, survivors network and wider understanding from people around me, I quickly fell into my next encounter with a perpetrator of abuse. With his charming nature and canny ability to exploit vulnerabilities, the vulnerable young woman I was at the time meant I was easy prey for this master manipulator. What followed was 7 years of coercion and control, financial, emotional, psychological and sexual abuse, slowly eroding the person I was. Whilst I was there in body, my mind and soul had left me and I was living on autopilot, it was the only way I was able to survive the life I was living.

When I left the relationship, I was broken, with no mind of my own and unable to make decisions for myself. I suffered a nervous breakdown and thoughts of suicide. You may think that this is where my ordeal ended having escaped my abuser, when in reality it was only the beginning.

Human behaviour is based on what we believe, these beliefs we share are often subconscious, and are a direct result of the society from which we have been shaped. In the UK and many other countries globally, it is not socially accepted to discuss domestic abuse. It is widely believed that abusers are disturbed strangers we may encounter in a dark alley, a narrative that continues to be sensationalised throughout our culture. Largely, misogynistic behaviour is also accepted and when challenged, played down as being a ‘joke’ or ‘banter’, which whilst those who display this behaviour can easily move on from, women and girls who occupy the same space continue to be impacted every minute of their day, walking home holding their keys in their hand, crossing the street to avoid an unknown male, avoiding going out alone at night or parking next to an unmarked van. Unfortunately, it is also common for victims to be disbelieved or accused of making false allegations of abuse, perpetuating the cycle of continued abuse and low reporting rates.

It can happen to anyone, by anyone and that is why it remains such a systemic issue. The social and economic costs of domestic abuse are estimated at £66 billion in England and Wales (Home office update figures).

Perpetrators of abuse are often some of the nicest people you will ever meet. They are people we know, admire, respect and often love.

These same people also have a hidden side, that is only shown to a select few, their victims. Perpetrators of abuse often display the same behaviours and tactics of abuse, as if they have been informed from a textbook. It is for this reason that our focus on tackling domestic abuse needs to shift from reactive measures post abuse to preventative early intervention.

Whilst I am a victim who has experienced a harrowing chapter in my life and have been exposed to some of the darkest experiences anyone can be exposed to, I am also a survivor who has had a fire lit deep within her to tirelessly advocate for and empower other survivors.

I believe to truly tackle domestic terrorism we must increase our focus as a society on the realities of the issue. We must strengthen our approach to early identification and intervention for domestic abuse. We must as a society understand how the cycle repeats through generations. We must educate our young people on toxic behaviour and healthy relationships, to prevent them from becoming victims, perpetrators and ultimately statistics.